Angel In My Pocket

I have an angel in my pocket.
She guides me in her way.
I have an angel in my pocket.
She saved my life today.
Many times she has saved me
from all the evil on this earth.
However, I just noticed her today,
even though she’s been with me since birth.
I have an angel in my pocket.
And I know she really cares.
I have an angel in my pocket.
I know God can hear her prayers.
There were times that I have strayed.
There are times I have done wrong,
but today I felt her presence.
That’s why I sing this song.
I have an angel in my pocket.
She guides me in her way.
I have an angel in my pocket.
She saved my life today.

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On my mind at the moment…

Troubled, worried, and scared.
These are the feelings I have when I think about your future.
Will you be able to take care of yourself?
Will you be able to have a job?
Will you have to live with me forever?
Will you go to the Prom?
Will you have a girlfriend or even get married?

Sad, tired, and self-sacrificing.
These are the feelings I have when I think about my future.
Will I ever find rest?
Will I have a “life”?
Will I always be alone?
Who will love me?

I pray every day that God would give us strength.
Strength to get through the challenging days.
I pray that He will give us joy.
Joyful times of play, laughter, and making of memories.

I pray for you, my son.
That you will see the beauty in life.
That you will learn to know our Lord.
That you will know His love for you.
That you will know how much I love you.

I pray for myself.
That I can forget all the times you tell me you hate me.
Forget the times you hit and scream.
And remember the good you have in you.
That I can see you as God sees you.
Loving, caring, special, one-of-a-kind, and perfect.

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Perfect Child

I always wanted children,
ever since I was a child myself.
I pictured my baby with a perfect face and body,
and of course, perfect health.

But from the way things were going,
I didn’t think I would ever have a child
in this life of mine.
Circumstances were never quite right,
and I was running out of time.

But at the age of twenty-seven,
on a date I will always remember.
In 1998 on the 24th of September,
on a Thursday evening at 5:11.
That’s when I received my gift from Heaven.

At that moment there were tears of joy,
when the doctor announced that I had a boy.
Eight pounds, 4 ounces, 21 inches long.
10 fingers, 10 toes, not a thing was wrong.

As time went on, my perfect child began drifting away.
Where was he going?
No one could say…
The doctors didn’t know – or seemed to care.
My boy was lost inside himself.
I became very scared.

Where are you, Jacob, come out and play!
Nothing enticed him, nothing I could do,
nothing I could say.

God, what is happening to this child of mine?
The perfect baby, that seemed perfectly fine.
Finally an answer that I did not want to hear.
Autism had kidnapped my child,
It was something I read about,
It was something that I feared.

My perfect child is still perfect,
In a special kind of way.
He blurts out random facts,
I’m always surprised of what he will say.

There good times and bad,
Happy times and sad.
In my life “perfection” is not always perfect,
but it’s close enough for me.
I’m happy with the child I have,
whomever he may be.

There are no amount of tantrums, outbursts, or “I hate you”s
that will turn me away.
There is nothing he can do to make me not love him.
I am his “mommy” forever.
and forever I will stay.

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The Man of My Dreams

Will I ever meet the man of my dreams?
The way things have been looking,
it will not be soon it seems.
I want him to be tall, dark and handsome
with a fair amount of money.
I want him to be nice,
with gifts of love,
whisper in my ear and call me “honey”.

I want him to make me laugh
and may me cry with tears of joy.
I want him to be my leader,
my friend, and of course,my bedtime toy.

I want him to be funny,
but serious once in a while.
I want him to teach me how to love,
and teach me how to smile.

The man of my dreams,
has so many characteristics
that I can’t even begin to name.
I hope that I will love him.
I hope he will feel the same.

The man of my dreams.
Who could it be?
Will I know when I meet him?
Will he know me?

circa 1997

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Prodigal Son

So young,
yet so old.
Something in his life went wrong,
something left untold.

There is something he is holding deep inside,
something that he wants to hide.
Whatever it is his mother will understand.
It can’t be all that bad
She knows that there is something hurting him,
that’s making him so sad.

His mother loves him very much,
and hates to see him drink.
She knows that there is something wrong,
and he doesn’t want to think.

“I love you son, I always will,
I am your mother”
She wants to tell him
Just in case he wonders.

She wants to tell him that,
with much more she wants to say.
Like “Don’t you realize that drinking so much
will kill you one day?”

She wonders if he even cares if he lives or dies?
Doesn’t he know how much he’s loved?
Doesn’t he realize?

Can’t he see the tears in his mother’s eyes
when he stumbles on home?
If only he could see her face when she hears the telephone.
Is it him calling from jail, or the police saying he’s dead?
Can’t he imagine all the thoughts that go running through her head?

Every night she prays for him,
many prayers have been prayed.
That he will stop drinking,
especially the nights he gets paid.

Will he come home tonight?”
She wonders…
Should she go looking for him in the rain and thunder?

Or sit there and wait and see
if and when he will show.
Will he come home tonight?
Only God will know.

I will say my prayer for that family every night,
faithfully…
For I know God does care.
I wish he knew how much he is loved.
A love in this world that is rare.

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Please Don’t Call

Please don’t call.
It hurts to hear your voice.
I don’t want to hear it at all.
The sharp pain goes straight to my heart.
I think its best for us to part.

Don’t get me wrong, I love you so
But the confusion I feel,
You just don’t know.

Please get out of my head.
Thoughts of you make me wish I was dead.
I can’t take it anymore.
I can’t put up with your lies
like I did before.

Don’t call me.
The pain you bring isn’t hard to see.
The sound of your voice brings tears to my eyes.
Don’t call me to say your hellos and goodbyes.

Get out of my heart.
Leave it alone.
It’s bleeding drop by drop,
my feelings are almost gone.

When I met you I was on cloud nine.
My heart full of joy,
our love was fine.

The ground is now near,
I have begun to fall.
Please save my life.
Please don’t call.

circa 1993

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Tired

I am tired.
My child is driving me nuts.
I need rest.
I need out of this rut.
Autism, ADHD, ODD and OCD
All mixed up in one.
How do I manage to get through the day?
I just want to pack up my stuff and run.
I want to go far, far away
Where no one can find me
Maybe a secluded island
Or even a raft adrift at sea.
I want to be alone – for just a little while.
I need to breathe
I need a reason to smile.
Life is so hard – raising him all alone.
I need help from the Lord above
To get me through this one.

2011

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